Helping our children (and ourselves) cope when mistreated, bullied, or teased:


Wouldn't it be nice if everyone always treated everyone else with kindness, fairness, and grace? That's how it will be in heaven -- in the fullness of the kingdom of God. That's how it should be in that part of God's kingdom on earth -- among those whose hearts are surrendered to the Lord's reign.

Sadly, that's not always how the kingdom of the world works. Each and every one of us can think of a time when we have been hurt by someone's favoritism, cliquishness, selfishness, insensitivity, harshness, thoughtless teasing, and cutting words. Each of us can also probably think of a time when we hurt someone else in the same manner. Perhaps, we didn't mean to; perhaps, we knew exactly what we were doing when we let some bitter words fly. Or, maybe, we inflicted harm on someone by lashing back at them when they hurt us. At any rate, learning to treat others in a more Christlike manner is an important issue in life.

As mothers, we can usually handle slights directed toward us more than we can bear the hurts our children may face. Nothing can arouse a mother's protective instincts faster than knowing another child is picking on her child. I can remember feeling that mother bear rise up within me when our children were once taunted by another child in our neighborhood.

Yet, it is so important that we respond to such situations in a Christlike manner. Our children take our cues from us. If we fall apart over these matters, our children will feel victimized and hopeless in the face of mistreatment from others. On the other hand, if we view these situations as an opportunities for training our children in godliness, they very well might develop stronger character and sweeter faith.

To refrain from overreacting may take great prayer on our part. We may need to strengthen our own faith that the best way to defeat evil is to overcome it with good (I Peter 3:8-9). We may also need to forgive hurts from our own childhood, if we have not already done so. Once we have dealt with our own hearts, we can teach our children to meet childhood slights with peaceful and forgiving hearts.

Fortunately, Jesus gives us and our children guidelines for dealing with people who do not have our best interests in mind:

"You have heard it said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth'. But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also. And whoever compels you to go one mile, so with him two. Give to him who asks you, and turn from him who wants to borrow from you, do not turn away. You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy', but I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you that you may be sons of your Father in heaven, for He makes the sun rise on the evil and on the good and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? and if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not ever tax collectors do so? Therefore, you shall be perfect, just your father in heaven is perfect." Matthew 5:39-48

In this passage, Jesus stands our worldly values on end. We may not put it as bluntly as 'an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth', but, deep down inside, we think we are justified for taking action against someone who has hurt us. And, we may feel even more justified in teaching our children to strike back when hurt. We also tend to shrink back from those who are hard to love and to surround ourselves only with people who think the way we do and who treat us the way we want to be treated. We may isolate our hearts, and our children may do so, as well.

However, our goal for ourselves and our goal for our children is not to act according to the impulses of our sinful natures. Instead, our aim is to become like our Father in heaven -- to trade in our earthly values for his heavenly ones. The Father does have a day of reckoning in store for those who reject what Christ did for us on the cross; his holiness and his justice demand it even as his love offered chances for reconciliation through the cross. Until, then, however, he sends blessings upon everyone in the hope that people will repent and turn to Him. His love is perfect, complete, and impartial.

"Nevertheless, he did not leave Himself without witness, in that He did good, gave us rain from heaven and fruitful seasons, filling our hearts with food and gladness." Acts 14:17

..."since He give to all life, breath, and all things, and He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings, so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us." Acts 17:25-26

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us...For if when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God through the death of His son, much more having been reconciled, we hall be saved by His life." Romans 5

In light of our Father's perfect love, how do we teach our children to respond to others in a godly way, even when hurt? Here are some thoughts from the instructions Jesus gave us:

1) Pray for those who spitefully use you: One thing we can always do for someone else is to pray for them. We can teach our children to do the same. Who knows? You and your child may be the only people in the world who care enough for a playground tyrant to pray for him or her. Your prayers could make a difference in that child's destiny for this life and for eternity. At the very least, it will keep your own hearts from being filled with bitterness and unforgiveness.

Jesus prayed even for those who were crucifying him in the moment: "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." He is our example. Not only that, but He died for us when we were still his enemies, for whose sins He chose to die. In asking us to pray for and to love our enemies, He is not asking us to do anything He has not done for us.

2) Do good to those who hate you: I recently heard of a little girl whose lunch was stolen by another. She and her mother prepared two lunches the next day, one for her and one for the lunch thief with a note on it that said, "You must have needed a lunch. I want you to have this one." Teach your child to overcome his or her fears and hurts by actively and creatively doing good. Likely, your child's kindness will turn his or her foe into a friend, though, perhaps, it won't. No matter how the other child responds, your child will have the peace of knowing that he or she responded in a way that pleases the Lord.

3) Bless those who curse you: Spite breeds spite. We can think of so much misery in the world that is caused by people behaving in a tit for tat behavior: resentments in marriage, neighborhood feuds, dissensions in the workplace, family squabbles, gang wars, wars between nations, etc -- and, sad to say, sometimes even problems in churches. Yet, if we respond by being a blessing in the lives of others, we stop the chain of anger and violence. We may even transform that downward cycle into a chain of blessing. If we commit ourselves to blessing others, no matter how they act, we are refusing to let the behavior of others dominate and control us. Instead, we are surrendering to the control of the Lord, who works all things for good. Wouldn't you rather be an instrument through which God brings blessing to the world than someone who adds to the great pile of anger and hurt?

4) Trust the Lord, and teach your children to trust the Lord. I Peter 2 tells us that Jesus bore the injustice of the cross without retaliating, because he trusted the One who judges justly. It's a great comfort knowing that we can leave our defense in the Father's hands, without feeling the pressure to right the wrongs done to us, ourselves. Vengeance and judgment belong to the Lord; our part is to trust Him and to faithfully do his will. Children who learn this lesson early in life will grow up with peaceful spirits, rather than nursing bitterness and strife in their hearts. They know that life here on earth may not always be fair. However, they also know that they serve a fair and merciful Lord who will make all things right. They will remember how Jesus forgave them on the cross, and they will be able to extend that forgiveness to others.

5) As loving parents, we may prayerfully decide that we do need to take some steps to protect our child in a particular situation. We may need to put some limits on a friendship that our child has. We may need to talk to another parent about their child's behavior. We may need to alert a child's teacher about a classroom bully. We may even need to remove a child from harm's way, either for a short time or permanently. Even if we must take such protective steps, however, we can do so calmly and with an attitude of loving prayer for all parties involved. We can also teach our child to pray for all involved, as well.

Childhood hurts may sometimes seem trivial to us, but they can leave deep scars in a child's heart. If a child internalizes lots of taunts and slights, he or she may become fearful, insecure, and shy -- not to mention angry or bitter. It's up to us to show our children how to respond to hurts with love, forgiveness, and trust in the Lord. This frees their hearts to be secure and confident in God's love.

Enjoy!
Elizabeth

Teaching Children about God's Wisdom...

It's important to teach your child the difference between God's wisdom and man's (the world's) wisdom. We've been looking at highly perceptive children in the past few articles, but this is a subject for all parents and all children.

Children are by nature curious and absorb knowledge from many sources, even sources of which we may not be aware. In fact, you could even think of it as part of a child's job to learn all that he needs to learn in order to grow up to be a happy, faithful, functioning adult.

The Bible commends a thirst for God's wisdom. However, it warns us against being influenced by the world's ways of thinking.

There are many scriptures that help us identify the difference between God's wisdom and the world's wisdom. These also outline the blessings of the former and the unhappy consequences of the latter. As parents, it's good for us to study and meditate about this, both for our own sake and in order to help our children. James 3:13-18 and I Corinthians 1:18-23 are two passages that give us a lot of help in choosing God's wisdom over the world's mindset. Comparing Proverbs with Ecclesiastes is another helpful study. Another idea is to read the Sermon on the Mount, particularly the Beatitudes, and consider how these words stand the world's wisdom on end.

Generally, the world's wisdom places self at the center of life, while God's wisdom focuses on loving and trusting God and loving others. For example, two people can study and write about astronomy. One recognizes and is in awe of God's glory as revealed in his works. Another looks at the wonders of stars, galaxies, and the like and does not see that Someone has created them. He assumes man is the highest intelligence in the universe.

Of course, it is possible for each of these authors to write about this subject objectively, by merely presenting scientific observations. It is more likely, however, that the viewpoint of a speaker will shine through in his or her words. This is true of an author, a teacher, a reporter, or even a child's best friend. Sometimes, this viewpoint is very subtle, but it can have its effect nonetheless.

Even religious matter -- even that which uses some scriptures -- can appeal to man's wisdom rather than God's. In Matthew 16, we read that Peter once got mixed up in that regard. When, in his ignorance and his love, he tried to stop Jesus from going to the cross, the Lord said to him, "You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

I think it's interesting that the Bereans were commended for examining the Scriptures so thoroughly to see if what Paul was teaching them was true. Even though Paul was clearly an apostle and even though the Bereans were eager to hear his message, they still ran it through the filter of God's word. Acts 17:10-12. God's word serves as a guide to help us recognize truth.

Of course, we don't need to be paranoid about everything our child hears or sees. There are books and media messages out there that don't promote a certain world view, either unintentionally or intentionally. And, some things are a matter of personal conviction. Romans Chapters 12-14. Neither should we be lax, however. It is a fact that we are all bombarded by the world's message everyday, and we must choose whether or not we will listen to it or to God.

It's good to talk often with children often about their view of life and about the things they are learning and reading. This gives us a chance to help them sort out true wisdom from false. Our goal is to give them the tools to discern for themselves.

Enjoy!
Elizabeth

Teaching Children Emotional Stability,
Especially With Regard to Highly Perceptive Children...

All children need training in cultivating peaceful spirits and in learning how to let their emotions be their servants, rather than their rulers. Highly perceptive children need a little extra attention in this area.

For one thing, the highly perceptive child sometimes develops intellectually before he develops maturity of emotion. Thus, he takes in a tremendous amount of information, but he may not be able to process it all wisely unless his parents help him.

Also, the highly perceptive child is likely to tune into adult conversations and the news. Thus, he may overhear and worry about some topic that another child might not give a second thought.

Unless a mother listens carefully to clues from the child, she may have no idea that her young child is conscious of, much less worried about, something that was discussed by adults. I remember that when my children were toddlers in the eighties, the subject of AIDs was constantly in the news. I didn't think that we were exposing our children to much news until my preschool age child said, "Mommy, if I got hurt and someone had to give me blood, I might get AIDS."

Similarly, highly perceptive children often have great imaginations. If their imagination turns toward the negative, they can think of all kinds of frightening outcomes to a particular situation. Needless to say, this tempts a child to worry.

Highly perceptive children may feel a lot of pressure to live up to everyone's high expectations for their performance. This can create a sense of unease, especially if they fear that they may not measure up in the end.

Highly perceptive children often place high expectations on themselves, and they can become frustrated with themselves when the actual work of their hands does not match the vision they have in their minds. This is the artist who never can be happy with how a painting turns out, no matter how beautiful others think the painting might be, or the pianist who never thinks he gave a great performance despite thundering applause from the audience.

Also, by definition, highly perceptive people are in tune with a lot of sensory input from the world around them. This can be overwhelming. There is also possible evidence that a genetic disposition for forms of depression are found with genes that have to do with artistic achievements, especially in the field of writing. Studies that trace the family trees of a number of famous writers turn up a large number of family members with traits of manic-depression. Since this has been widely publicized, artists often falsely fear that if they seek treatment for an emotional illness, they will lose their talent.

Finally, the highly perceptive child may be more in tune with our culture. Going back to the late 1700's and early 1800's, many people began to value the person with great sensibility. That's just another way of saying a person who is highly perceptive or responsive with regard to something, such as emotions or nature or art. The person who possessed sensibility was considered to be more in tune with truth and beauty than the average person. People began to measure life according to their own personal experiences and perceptions. Revealed or inspired truth ceased to be as highly esteemed as it once was. People who admired sensibility feared being ordinary people with ordinary lives, and they considered themselves to be superior to people with less feeling. They sought to imbue every moment with emotional meaning.

In this climate, depression, hypochondria, anxiety, and moodiness were almost seen as virtues, for it was thought that they indicated a refined and sensitive mind. The novels of the day reflect this ideal, for they abound with brooding heroes and overwrought heroines. Many authors of the day -- such as the poet Lord Byron -- gave birth to the stereotype of the sensitive, bohemian artist.

Sense and Sensibility and many other of Jane Austen's works lampoon the cult of sensibility. Austen's work highlights the conflict in her day between this line of thought and a cultural backlash, which championed more classic virtues of stability, good sense, and principled character.

Today, prominent segments of our culture still value feeling and individual experience over objective truth and, likewise, emotional drama over stability. In the same vein, lots of people still devalue revealed and inspired knowledge. Many either believe that this material world is all that exists or they make up their own vision of spiritual matters based on what they feel in their hearts. Our culture is largely blind to real truths that exist beyond man's limited powers of perception and scientific measurement.

Our culture's entertainment features the anti-hero, who is merely a darker version of the nineteenth century's brooding hero. The anti-hero is the person of sensibility who has become disillusioned with life. He is opposed to authority. He is often a loner and is frequently self-destructive. He is moody and unstable and often troubled by something in his past.

Children, particularly sensitive children, may be influenced to imitate these cultural images. However, while a skeptical, troubled, and brooding hero may make for interesting fiction, such emotional drama is not so fun when it is played out in real life.

As we've seen, there is just a grain of truth in the idea that people who are highly perceptive also tend to be intensely emotional. Feeling things deeply can be very positive. But, must the highly perceptive child live at the whim of his own emotions and perceptions? No. Must creativity and perceptiveness be accompanied by anxiety, depression, and other forms of emotional distress? Of course not.

The wise parent seeks to guide the child in combining his wonderful gifts of perception and sensibility with the stability that comes from "sense". The child who is trained to be self-controlled in mind and character will accomplish more with his gifts of perception than will the child who cannot rule himself.

Just how can parents do parents nurture a child's creativity while, at the same time, training the child to be stable or sensible in thought and character? Tomorrow, we'll kick around some ideas.

Enjoy!
elizabeth